Breaking boundaries...challenging self doubt

I remember the first time the idea of becoming a photographer entered my world. I was in my senior year of college on a trip to Hawaii visiting my sister's boyfriend (now husband.) We were invited to a friends house for dinner. The friends had beautiful pictures of their son in a train graveyard; his aunt was a photographer. In that moment I longed to be a photographer. I wanted to create beautiful, emotive images but I knew I was returning to MI to complete my teaching degree; photography would have to wait. Life has a way of moving on and dreams being pushed to the back burner. The constant transitions involved with military life and the demands of being a homeschool mom pushed the thought of studying photography out of my reach. My husband gave me a not so subtle push by enrolling me in my first photography class as a Mother's Day gift. The gift was not warmly received; self doubt, lack of confidence and fear filled my mind. I refused his gift, I was not going to attend the class. I felt I was too old, wouldn't have enough basic knowledge to participate in class, my gear wasn't good enough, I wouldn't know how to navigate the college campus, I didn't have the time to pull away from my duties at home; the excuses and fears were endless. As an Army wife you could plop me down in any state and I could figure out our new life but I realized my entire identity was wrapped up in being a mom and Army wife and that's where my confidence ended. I feared doing anything different and refused to feel vulnerable. My husband couldn't get money back from the class but I let him know I would not be attending and let my sisters know what he had done for me and why I wouldn't be attending; I was trying to rationalize my decision. Fast forward to the first day of class, sometime in the afternoon, I called my husband at work and told him I needed to go to the class. Because more often than not my husband has the patience of a saint and understands my idiosyncrasies more than anyone else in the world, he left work early to make sure I could go to the class I had repeatedly refused. He pulled up a map of the campus and helped me identify best places to park and the building I needed to enter. The class was everything I needed in the world at that moment. It helped me rediscover my passion for learning and desire to learn photography. It pushed me outside of my home bubble and comfort zone. I was not the oldest student, my beginner knowledge was enough to get me started and my gear was sufficient. But even if none of that had been true; I still would have been ok. I had more to lose by not allowing myself to try, by not experiencing a little vulnerability. Self doubt still sometimes creeps its way into my mind. My fear of feeling vulnerable occasionally slows me down, but my passion for learning, love for photography, and my determination to move forward with the support of my family keeps me trying. "Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will." (Suzy Kassem)